In high school, 16 years ago, I spent a summer as a hockey camp counselor.  One of my campers was a six-year-old Chinese-American whirlwind-on-skates named Sean. One day, one of the Caucasian-American dads came up to me and asked about how Sean was doing. I thought it was very rude that he was asking me about another camper, and told him as much.

Turns out he was Sean’s father.

Waiter, may I please have some pepper with that foot?

Interracial couples are fast becoming commonplace here in America, as the melting pot of cultures integrates even further.  According to the Pew Research Center, 14.6% of all new marriages are of interracial couples – a rate that has doubled since 1980. Further, over 60% of people surveyed by Pew said that they would approve of a family member who wanted to marry someone outside of their race. At Sari Closet, the online sari rental service that I co-founded earlier this year, we are seeing similar trends amongst our customers.  And as more South Asians marry more non-South Asians, the demand for blended cultural experiences has grown exponentially.

But what is the best way to hold an interracial wedding? One way is to cheat, like I did: we held separate events for my (Muslim) wife’s community and my (Hindu) community. But the last event was really not fun, which is the “writing of costly cheques” ceremony.

Interracial weddings — like interracial marriages — are most successful when both cultures are equally represented.  The best man at my wedding, who was from Germany, married a lovely woman from Japan. Not only did both cultures get well represented in the decorations and food, but both fathers downed ceremonial pints of a blend of Loewenbraeu and Kirin Ichiban.

So it’s true that alcohol helps.

For South Asians, saris are definitely a key part of the equation.  If the groom is South Asian, many times the brides’ friends will want to wear saris, especially the bridesmaids. A non-South Asian in a sari will always stand out – in a positive way.  She will look gorgeous both because of the quality of the sari, and because South Asians appreciate that she took such an interest to participate in their culture – instantly making her an “insider” at the wedding or event. Given that, the experts at Sari Closet — who we call “saristas” — encourage non-South Asians to wear bold, bright colors and patterns.  What might feel loud or busy on an Indian woman will look stunning on a non-South Asian. Combining saris with garments from other cultures is also a great idea.  It takes some work, but the look can be stunning.

No less an expert than Vogue India’s fashion director, Deep Kailey, is a firm believer in fashion evolving across borders, even for saris. “With the world being so much more global than ever before, I think all the lines are starting to merge,” she recently told Republic of Brown. As a tip, she recommends that, “when wearing a sari, wear a beautiful Prada blouse, or get a shirt made to match your drape.”

Of course, some customs just won’t mix. As comedian / TV talk show host Craig Ferguson once said about his wedding, between his Scottish culture and his wife’s Jewish culture, “The only thing that didn’t really work out is that the Jewish tradition of dancing around with the bride and groom on your shoulders clashes with the Scottish tradition of no underwear under the kilt.”

Happy sari-ying!

Sreesha Vaman is the co-founder of Sari Closet, an online nationwide sari rental service. Follow him on twitter @sreeshafashion.  The opinions expressed herein are his own.

I spent two years planning every single little detail of my wedding to be the most traditional Bengali wedding it could be with a few modern twists. My husband, Tariq, and I are proud feminists and we wanted to make sure that our ceremony reflected that. We worked intensively with our priest and our parents to make sure that our wedding was both a very traditional Hindu Bengali wedding, but also incorporated our feminist values.

Aiburo Bhath (Rice Ceremony)
Aiburo Bhath is a traditional version of a bridal shower. A week before the wedding, my parents called all their close friends and relatives to the house to bless me.  A part of the tradition is for family and friends to feed the bride all of her favorite foods.

Gaye Holud (Turmeric Ceremony)
This very traditional Bengali ceremony entailed all the female members of my family getting me ready for the big day. It’s a ceremony that involved spreading turmeric (haldi in Hindi, holud in Bengali–both of these words simply mean “yellow” because the color of turmeric is a bright mustard yellow) all over my face and arms so to purify my skin.

Vedic Marriage Ceremony following Bengali Traditions
This was something my husband and I really spent a lot of time on, considering we wanted a truly traditional Bengali wedding but we were also 100% committed to bringing into focus our feminist values and belief in a marriage of complete equals. We were very clear that the Vedic ceremony was not something we were doing just for the sake of doing it. It was deeply important to us, and therefore we did not want to get up on the Mandap and simply repeat shlokas that we didn’t understand. So we spent months doing research, and having conversations with our parents, extended family and our priest, Sri Krishna Varanasi.

One of the things we absolutely insisted on leaving out was the concept of Kanyadaan, or the giving away of the bride, a ritual that is a part of ceremonies all over the world. Neither of our families believe it is ever possible to “give away” a daughter, and we equally believe that a son comes to the woman’s house as much as a daughter is added to the man’s family. We also chose to modify the concept of Sindoor Daan, or the marking of the bride by the groom with vermillion powder in the parting of her hair. We did not feel it right for one of us to “mark” the other, yet, to retain the ritual of Sindoor, Tariq and I chose to “mark” each other. So we both received Sindoor.

In these ways, we modified almost every step of the wedding. It was not easy to do, but it was so incredibly worth it. We cannot tell you how many of our friends (and even relatives and elders in the community) came up to us and our parents afterwards and told us that the ceremony had meant so much to them and that if they (or their children) were to have a Vedic wedding ceremony in the future, they would want to incorporate many elements of our ceremony into theirs. Even Sri Krishna-ji mentioned during the wedding that he would like to bring some of these ideas back to his school in India and potentially introduce these changes over there. It was one of the most touching experiences of our lives and Tariq and I will never forget the feeling of being able to share our beliefs and values with our community and having them be so openly embraced.

The Totto (Trousseau)
This is something that is very particular to Bengal and Bengali weddings, though I believe something similar happens in other states as well. The Totto includes gifts exchanged between the two families as well as gifts given to the bride by her own family. My parents and grandparents and recently even in-laws have been collecting things to give to us for a long time, and seeing all those things laid out on the day of the wedding was very special!

Traditionally, the groom’s family gives a gift of fish the night before the wedding which the bride’s family cooks and eats. Instead of doing that, my mother-in-law actually sewed and embroidered a cloth fish which she gave to my parents the day before our wedding when they came for the Gaye Holud and Mehndi/Sangeet! It was beautifully done.

Boron Dala for Jamai Boron (Welcoming the Groom)
During “Jamai Boron”, my parents welcomed Tariq and his Baraat (procession of groom’s friends and family) into our family. It is the very first thing that happens in the ceremony, even before I enter the Mandap. I think this is one of the least mainstream traditions and is very particular to Bengal, so setting up the “boron dala” or the plate of things that are used to welcome to groom, was a bit difficult to do since nobody really seemed to know what was supposed to be on it. The special ingredients include fruits, seeds, rice husk, incense sticks, five small clay pots, a conch shell, some water from the Ganges river, etc.

Credit goes to my Mom for painstakingly gathering all these things (many of which are also needed for the Gaye Holud ceremony for the bride the day before) and going to India and picking out the perfect shell, the perfect cup for the water, and of course the perfect decorative tray on which to arrange all of it.

Mala Bodol (Garland Exchange)
There is a point in the ceremony, Mala Bodol, where the bride and groom exchange garlands under a canopy that is held up by their friends. I believe this is a fairly universal tradition for Hindus. For their own wedding, my parents remember their canopy being a bit of a disaster and so my dad came up with the wonderful idea of stitching one for us. He went to a fabric store to find gold fabric and some sticks that are usually used for gardening (to keep flowers standing up). He took these to a tailor in New York and told him to stitch the fabric so that the gardening rods could be inserted into four sides of it. It worked like a charm. When it came time for four of my bridesmaids to hold up the canopy, they were easily able to just hold up the rods so their arms weren’t hurting by the end and the material wasn’t falling all over us!

The Traditional Red Banarasi Sari and Classic Gold Bling

Natasha’s red banarasi sari, gauze-like oorna (veil) and heavy gold jewlery was right on the money with Bengali tradition. Natasha chose a  beautiful modern day red banarasi silk sari with delicate pearl embroidery and paisley designs. Red is considered a lucky color for weddings which is why tradition dictates that Bengali brides wear this auspicious color. While many modern-day Bengali brides choose lehengas, a classic Benarasi sari is the ultimate look for any Bengali bride. Benarasi saris originated in Varanasi, India during the Mughal period. Benarasis are known for their intricatee Persian designs combined with  Indian patterns on beautiful hand-woven delicate silks. Upper-class Bengali society took on this trend and it eventually became a traditional part of a Bengali bride’s trousseau.

Heavy, ornate gold jewelry such as Natasha’s necklace, earrings and tickli (head piece) is also a part of the traditional Bengali bride’s look. Bengali Muslim culture dictates that an agreed upon amount of gold must be given to the bride as part of her mahr (dowry), so in the event that her husband passes away or divorces her, she can sell or trade in her gold to support herself.

Natasha’s pulled back bun and center part is also a very typical hairstyle for a Bengali bride. But of course, being the fashionista that she is, Natasha later switched it up to a 60′s-style bouffant which updated her traditional ensemble to a more whimsical vintage look!

Natasha’s ladies-in-waiting adjusting her veil

Getting past the Gatekeepers

Natasha’s bridal party creates an imaginary gate by holding a red ribbon.

As with most other South Asian wedding traditions, the moment the groom arrives with his baraath is one of the highlights of the wedding. In order to enter the wedding venue, a Bangladeshi Muslim groom has to pay the ‘gate-keepers’, usually the bride’s siblings, cousins, friends, and other younger members of the bridal party whatever they ask for. The fun part is the haggling over the ‘gate-price’. Sometimes, the groomsmen will push their way past their gate!

Mirror, Mirror

Bengalis are a romantic lot. After all, they did have one of the greatest poets of all time, Rabindranath Tagore! So, it’s no surprise that a Bengali wedding would include a tradition where the groom has to verbally declare his admiration for his bride’s beauty. After the couple are officially married, they are made to do many things ‘together’ for the first time, i.e. drink a sweet drink from the same glass, exchange rose garlands and gaze at each other through a mirror. Family members hold a veil over the couple’s head and the groom is asked to describe what he sees in the mirror. He’s expected to say something romantic and beautiful about his bride’s reflection.

Cheesy? Maybe. Adorable? Very.

Photos: Samson Pro

As much as The Sari-Clad bride loves to bring you fun and sometimes kitschy ideas for your wedding, sometimes we just have to get real with you guys. Silly rituals are a built-in feature in most weddings but we feel that the following traditions are definitely worth avoiding.

Discloser: At the same time, it is YOUR wedding, so if any of these traditions are near and dear you, all the more power to you!

Having a bridal shower AND bachelorette party. Pick one event and save your bridal party’s sanity and wallets.

Bridesmaid uniforms. We know the idea of all your bridesmaids wearing the same sari/lehenga/salwar kameez/gown is nice in theory—but it’s horrid for the girls themselves. Give them a color scheme or particular dress style instead—everyone will be much happier.

Matron/Maid of Honor. What if your best friend happens to be a guy? You can definitely have a ‘Best Man’ or skip the tradition all together and keep all of your besties on equal footing.

The bouquet toss. We’re convinced that these two were invented to make single people feel awful. Believe it or not, most of the single ladies at your wedding have no desire to get onto the dance floor while you shove your ‘Ha, I’m married and you’re not!’ memorabilia onto them.

Eating old cake. We think that the idea behind saving the top tier of your wedding cake for your one-year anniversary is sweet, but the thought of consuming it is icky. Have your baker make you a fresh version of the top layer of your wedding cake for your anniversary.

Skipping nooky before the wedding. Wedding-night sex will be special no matter what, because it will be the first time you’ll be together as husband and wife, so don’t starve yourselves beforehand! Unless your opting for an arranged marriage and have never been intimate together–in that case, good luck!

An immediate honeymoon. Don’t skimp on your travel plans because the wedding ate up your honeymoon budget. Take a few months or even a year to plan a full-scale honeymoon and go on a smaller getaway right after the wedding.

Niki:

Hello, I am writing you from Vancouver, Canada. I just recently got engaged to a man from France. We are planning a Hindu ceremony for this summer close to his hometown in the south of France. I am finding many obstacles in arranging a Hindu ceremony from so far away and in an area that does not have a large Indian population. The first hurdle that we have encountered is trying to find a Pundit (Hindu Priest) to perform the ceremony. So far, the only Pundit that we have found lives in Germany. Do you have any ideas? Thank you for your time and any assistance you can give!

Dear Niki,

First of all, Congratulations!! The Sari-Clad Bride is always excited to hear about new couples tying the knot! Thank you for contacting us and we would definitely like to help you jump over those hurdles of planning a wedding from so far away. We do have some ideas that may help you. First of all, we would like to inform you about the Hindu temple in Paris listed below:

This is one of the larger temples in Paris. Please contact the temple for their Pundit availability. I am sure it will be cheaper for them to travel within France rather than bringing someone from outside the country.

Since the distance and expenses are usually the big issues with planning a destination wedding, the Sari-Clad Bride also suggests you contact local wedding planners in France to help you with finding a pundit as well as other necessities locally. Remember, a planner provides all types of service and you can pick and choose what you need – you don’t have to spend a lot of money on having a planner plan your whole wedding but he/she can help you with planning certain aspects of the wedding. Some planners we recommend are:

Additionally, if you need to fly someone in and flights are cheaper from England to France than from Germany, below is the information of a great priest from UK who does travel for weddings depending on availibility:

Keep checking us out as we will soon bring you vendor spotlights on some of these contacts that may help you make a wiser choice!

Gaye holud written in Bangla

Gaye holud or haldi also known as a  turmeric ceremony, is a traditional preparatory celebration, which takes place before the wedding. It is the tradition of applying holud or haldi (turmeric paste) on the bride and groom’s skin in order to beautify them for their wedding. Holud is an antiseptic which not only kills germs and bacteria, but also has a yellow hue which gives skin a unique color and glow.

A pre-wedding ritual involving the application of turmeric to the bride and groom is a wide-spread tradition throughout South Asia and in West Indian culture,  it is a very important custom particular to Bengali weddings and sparks a huge celebration by Bengali Muslims, Hindus and Christians. This is also known as the henna/mehndi night in Northern parts of India and in Pakistan. To West Indians, it is known as dig dutty, matti khor, or simply dye rubbing. However, henna/mehndi night itself is also a preparatory celebration in South Asian weddings, where henna/mehndi is used to decorate the bride’s hands and feet as well as the rest of the female guests. This usually occurs only for the bride and usually attended, only by women. However, some do choose to combine the gaye holud and mehndi night together into one ceremony.

Traditionally, the bride and the groom has a separate gaye holud each at his/her respectable home, where the family members from one side attend the celebration at the opposite side. The bride and groom themselves do not participate in each other’s ceremony. The bride’s gaye holud occurs first, usually during noon. The bride wears yellow/orange outfit, adorned with flowers and is seated on a decorative dais (or piri) on a stage. The bride’s family and friends welcome the groom’s family with flowers and sweets as they enter the household bringing gifts and sweets, laying them in front of the sat bride. Everyone puts holud on the bride’s face and body and feeds her sweets, after which they enjoy a feast prepared by the bride’s family. There is always some form of entertainment as women sing and dance for the occasion.

Fruits and sweets for gaye holud ceremony

The groom’s gaye holud occurs right after, often on the night of the same day, since it is usually the day before the wedding. This time the bride’s family brings gifts and sweets, welcomed the same way by the groom’s family and friends. The gifts are laid in front of the sat groom and everyone puts holud on the groom and feeds him sweets, after which they enjoy a feast prepared by the groom’s family. Everyone dresses in yellow, orange and reddish outfits, especially the bride’s side of the family and friends who sometimes wear matching outfits just as bridesmaids do for American weddings.

However, nowadays, gaye holud is often celebrated together, and may occur at a venue rather than the homes of the couple. It can take place the day before the wedding or a few days earlier or even a week beforehand. A lot of brides choose to celebrate gaye holud and a henna/mehndi night back to back. The mehndi night is done before the gaye holud in most cases. In keeping with the tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other at this ceremony, some couples choose to do the ceremony side by side with a partition in the middle.

Gifts are a big part of the gaye holud ceremony. Everything is packed in decorative cane or bamboo trays, baskets and supdas (also known as kula). For the bride’s ceremony, the groom’s family usually brings the following:

Bridal outfit: the sari or lehenga to be worn for the wedding is usually given from by the groom’s family. It is folded decoratively in a tray, sometimes wrapped around a doll. The shoes and bangles can also be given together with the outfit.

Bridal saree

Bridal trousseau: these may include several trays and baskets of items such as perfume, lotion, shampoo, spa items, makeup, hair accessories, etc.

Gifts for the bride’s side of the family: these may include outfits for the bride’s immediate family members such as parents, siblings, aunts and cousins. Often so many gifts are being given that it is not possible to wrap all items in trays and baskets. As a result, some are done as so for show and others are packed in a red suitcase which is sent over to the bride’s home beforehand. The red suitcase is a ceremonial symbol of marriage which is used to pack up the bride’s belongings when leaving her home for the groom.

Gifts for the bride and her family

Sweets: sweets are a must-have for gaye holud. These are a symbol of happiness and celebration as traditionally sweets are used to celebrate any occasion and used for “muk misti”, which means feeding sweets. The family members often choose to bring homemade traditional desserts known as pithe or pitha.

Sweets and pitha

Fruits: bringing fruits is also part of the tradition. Elaborate fruit baskets made from real fruits such as watermelons are a common practice.

Hilsa (ilish) fish dressed as a couple (courtesy of Wikipedia - Arman Aziz)

Fish: Bangladesh is known for its rivers and streams which is why fish is a major part of the diet of Bengali people. As a result, giving fish to the bride’s family is a customary. Usually two large fishes are given – dressed as a wedding couple. One is wrapped in a sari or lehenga and may have a nose ring or earrings attached, representing the bride, while the other is wrapped in men’s clothing such as a Punjabi set or fotua and lungi, the traditional Bengali men’s attire, representing the groom. Nowadays, actual fish is usually replaced with sweets molded as fish.

Sweets molded in fish shapes

Paan: Paan or betel leaf, which is a palate cleanser and a breath freshener, is offered by the groom’s family as a sign of hospitality. This is offered at the gaye holud to the bride’s family, which is served by the bride’s mother to everyone on the wedding day. It is served with supari (areca nut), chuun (a lime paste), and mukhwas (a mix of seeds, nuts and candies).

Hould, mehndi, upton paste: The groom’s family brings the Holud paste to apply on the bride in a decorative bowl or basket as well. The holud paste is a mixture of turmeric and either mustard oil, milk or water. Mehndi is also provided for decorating the bride’s hands and feet. Some women prefer not to apply the holud and therefore a substitute is used such as upton mix or sandalwood.

Supda (kula)

Rakhi: The groom’s mother brings a rakhi to tie on the bride’s wrist as a symbol of a new relationship formed.

DIY Rakhi

For the groom’s ceremony, the bride’s family usually brings the following:

Groom’s wedding outfit: similarly, the groom’s outfit is usually a gift from the bride’s family. It is wrapped nicely as well along with the shoes and brought in a decorative tray.

Groom’s trousseau: these may include several trays and baskets of items such as cologne, grooming items, ties, shirts, accessories, etc.

Gifts for the groom’s side of the family: these may include outfits for the groom’s immediate family members such as parents, siblings, aunts and cousins. As with the brid’s gifts, so many gifts are being given that some are decoratively packed and brought in during the ceremony for show and others are packed ahead and sent over to the groom’s home beforehand.

Gifts for the groom and his family

Sweets: again, sweets are brought by the bride’s family which sometimes include homemade traditional desserts known as pithe or pitha.

Sweets and pitha

Fruits: elaborate fruit baskets made from real fruits such as watermelons are brought as well.

Hould, mehndi, upton paste: The bride’s family also brings the holud paste to apply on the groom in a decorative bowl or basket. This may be substituted by upton mix or sandalwood.

Supda (kula) with mehndi

Supda (kula) with holud and upton mix

Rakhi: The bride’s’s mother brings a rakhi to tie on the groom’s wrist as a symbol of a new relationship formed.

Fruits and sweets for gaye holud ceremony

Pohela Boishakh

Every year, on the first day of the year, Bengalis all over Bangladesh and India celebrate Pohela Boishakh–the Bengali New Year.  This day is filled with food, songs, new saris, etc.  However, one tradition that I learned about during my recent trip to Dhaka, Bangladesh was that of ‘Hal Khata’.  Hal Khata, which literally translates to ‘New Notebook’ in Bangla, is a custom in which jewelry buyers pay up all their debts to jewelry stores on Pohela Boishakh.  In order to show their appreciation, jewelry stores invite their customers for a feast on Pohela Boishakh, which occurs mid-April of every year.

Hal Khata is not only a fun celebration, but also a chance for jewelry stores to introduce their new line of jewelry for the upcoming year and a good time for brides to scope out the goods! My first experience of this Hal Khata tradition was on April of this year and when I stepped into New Jawra House in Dhaka–I was amazed to see the food, festivities, and the displays of new jewelry.

Pohela Boishakh

The Bengali New Year, Pohela Boishakh, is an ideal date for brides to buy jewelry.  Jewelry stores display never before seen items–the majority of which are booked and sold on this day.  I encountered several brides-to-be purchasing their wedding jewelry far in advance of their wedding date to get the best designs and prices. So if you’re planning a shopping trip for your trousseau in Bangladesh or Bengal in India, going during ‘Hal Khata’ would be a smart decision!

Photo: BridalGuide.com

Bride’s Gayer Holud
This day kicks off a four-day wedding extravaganza and it’s The Sari-Clad Bride’s favorite part of a Bengali wedding! It’s a day solely dedicated to the bride, and the groom doesn’t attend this event; only his family and friends do. It’s pretty informal, which makes it really fun—almost like a rehearsal dinner. Traditionally, it usually takes place a day or two before the wedding at the bride’s house, but nowadays gayer holuds are huge events and families usually rent out halls.

A Gayer Holud serves two purposes: It’s the day the bride gets all her goodies—her wedding trousseau which includes her bridal dress (sari), jewelry, shoes as well as other gifts such as makeup, perfume, dresses, basically anything a girl could possibly need (now you see why it’s our favorite?)!  The groom’s family and friends officially hand-deliver the bride’s wedding trousseau as well as presents for the bride’s family.

The other important ritual performed on this day happens when the guests bless the bride by applying yellow paste called ‘holud,’ made of turmeric powder and milk, on her face, arms and basically any other body parts that are exposed. ‘Gayer Holud’ literally means ‘body dye’ which explains the name of this event. Bengalis believe that turmeric helps to lighten and refine the skin, giving the bride a wonderful glow on her wedding day. This is also the day mehndi or henna (a brownish-red dye made from henna leaves) is applied to the bride’s hands and feet in pretty designs.
Groom’s Gayer Holud
A Bengali groom also gets his moment to shine with his very own ‘Gayer Holud,’ which mirrors his bride’s. Holud is also applied to the groom’s body in the form of a blessing and he also receives gifts from the bride’s family. Gayer Holuds typically last long into the night with lots of celebration and dancing and turmeric throwing! A holud fight is inevitable so if you’re going to a gayer holud, be prepared to get some turmeric paste in your hair!

Biye or Nikaah
This is the wedding day, which is called ‘biye’ in Bengali and ‘Nikaah’ in Arabic and where it all happens. Traditionally, the bride and groom are seated in different areas and they take their wedding vows separately in front of an Iman (Muslim priest) and sign a marriage document. An Islamic marriage certificate documents the ‘Mahr’ amount, which is a gift in the form of cash, property or jewelry that the groom gives the bride at the time of the marriage. This was a tradition established early on during the formation of Islamic culture to protect women when most wives were supported financially by their husbands. The Mahr was created so that a woman can attain financial independence in case she is widowed or divorced.

After the bride and groom are officially married, the newlyweds are seated together for the first time as man and wife, and take part in a bunch of old-time traditions, including drinking from the same glass in order to “increase their love for one another,” an exchange of garlands made out of flowers to bring them closer to each other, and my personal favorite, when the groom’s shoes are stolen! It’s up to the bride’s siblings, cousins and friends to get together to steal the groom’s shoes while he is sitting down and in return for his shoes, the groom has to pay. Another favorite tradition is the customary “paying at the gate.” In this case, the groom and his wedding party are called the ‘baraath’ and they get to the wedding venue after the bride’s wedding party has already entered. All the young people from the bride’s side hold the ‘gate’ and refuse to let the baraath in until they pay whatever the bride’s wedding party demands.

Boubhath or Walima
The wedding is typically hosted by the bride’s family and the reception or ‘boubhath’ is thrown by the groom’s family a few days or weeks after the wedding, to welcome the new bride into the family. The boubhath is basically a relaxed version of the wedding day where the bride and groom can mingle with their guests, dance and have fun. The wedding day is typically more rigid as the newlyweds have many customs to follow, so the guests usually end up having more fun than the couple!

Original article can be found at BridalGuide.com.